Seeing an ex with someone else for the first time....

This seems to be a hot topic right now. I have been fielding lots of calls and messages about this topic...What's my take?

Ah... It's so complex. 

When a relationship ends, it's normally for a pretty good reason. It's not like things are lovey dovey and then we say, "Hey, let's go our own way." Sometimes it's ugly. It takes some trial and error, trying to work things out and then the separation process is long. We are talking about long term relationships here. Not casual or short term dating. 

There are hurt feelings no matter how "smooth" the process and there is a mourning period after the separation. This lasts longer for some than others. But, we have to mourn the loss of what we really wanted that relationship to be. Not what it was... but, what we hoped that it could or would be when we entered into it.

So, when we see our ex with someone new for the first time... it hurts. It doesn't hurt because we want them back. It damages the ego and exacerbates the sorrow. We are once again thrown back into the mourning process and straight into the anger phase.

Some Questions that go through our heads: 

rational or irrational.

• Could my ex be giving someone new what we had been working so hard to achieve?
• Did I go through hell to train them to be a better partner for someone else?
• Have they fixed everything and I lost out?
• Is it possible that he/she is better or more deserving than I am?
• Wasn't I good enough? 
• Why couldn't they change for me?
• and so on....

Then we start questioning ourselves, our motivations... there is guilt... We want the other person to grow and be happy... and move on... but, what about me and all that I invested in the dream?


SO, here is my response!!!! 

Cut yourself some slack! Time for some self love and care.... and then once you do that... you start to see the new partner's new love interest in a whole new way too. Of course you are a kind human being that wants everyone to have a happy, fulfilled life. But, you are part of this script. A close, personal player in this production. Let the guilt go... I personally think it's healthy to wish the other person be a little miserable. It's human. I hope it doesn't last a long time... But, what the heck? You are human and just the thought makes me laugh and move on.

Reality is... that unless the ex has done some extreme amount of work on themselves that they are just in the throws of a new relationship and on their best behavior. Those behaviors that ended the relationship are not gone. They are transferred to a new partner... They may look happy together and like everything is now perfect for your ex...

It's a mirage.

I say that you never know what goes on behind closed doors... but, if you were in a long relationship with your ex... You have a pretty good idea of the behaviors that go on behind closed doors...

It's a mirage on the outside. The reality exists behind those doors.

It's not better for the new person. You can look at them in a more empathetic way and with more love in your heart at that point. That is healthy for you! You cannot intervene or try to warn the new partner. The knowing has to be for you alone... It doesn't mean that your ex is not a good person either. It just means that they aren't perfect. Those imperfections were not a good fit for you and now they are someone else's problem....

When you have all of the self talk, doubt and pain... shift your paradigm and you will be more at peace.

Cut yourself some slack. Be kind to yourself. You deserve to find and be with the partner that has the same dream and is working toward it with you in tandem. 

YOU Deserve it!

NEXT TIME: Dating after divorce....

THEN: Online dating resources....

Kimberly R. Lifestyle by Design is all about creating the life that you want with grace and ease... It's a journey and hopefully we can all find the path that leads to love, happiness and fulfillment in ALL areas of our lives!