Thursday, May 29, 2014

An Extrovert's Guilt, Shame & Fear.... A Confession

Food for Thought....

With my background in psychology, my post as Super Connector & Master Networker - - I often work with clients and teach them how to interact & connect with someone that has a different personality style. We all long for community and to connect on a deeper level. Most of us did not learn those skills from our family of origin AND the ease in which we connected as children has left us long ago....

I work with each client to create a safe harbor for exploration & discovery. During that specialized process we explore ways that we show up, see the world and ways that we can shift our personal paradigms to see others in a new light, and connect with more success and ease... Introversion and extroversion is a key element that we tackle. It's life changing when we identify ourselves and can see others without judgement.

Judgement and debunking misconceptions is a vital part of the process.... Invariably, the way that we think about and identify each other, and even ourselves, is based on our own personal lens.... That Filter has been affected by our past, surroundings, personal style and experiences. Our perception very rarely has anything to do with the person being judged ....

My Personal Journey

Always a new paradigm to shift to... and through to the next. My life has been a series of continually shifting, flowing paradigms as I work on the journey to the life that I want and to the Best person that I can be...

This work isn't for everyone. Many don't even know where to start... I have been doing this for over 25 years and every time I tackle something Big... Something else shows itself.

I work closely with women and in community to help others on their journey. They know that I am not perfect, that I have lived a thousand lives, that I will always be me and honest... But, most importantly they know that I am a safe place to land... because I live it and I understand.

Do I need to share this because I am an extrovert that needs to be heard? No. I would be happy as a clam to journal and tuck it away. I share because what I learned in the beginning of this journey, is that when I share it reaches people. People that I may not reach any other way... and people that may not be reached by anyone else. The letters and messages keep me sharing. It's not always fun. I see change. I am of service, because I always want other women's journey to be easier than mine. If I can make one women's journey easier... It's worth it.

I didn't use to share. I didn't used to cry or touch people either... It's a journey. 
Now... I am known in community as the crier and hugger... It's a journey.

Was it easier when I was not connected, didn't see myself clearly or others? Absolutely. I have this internal moral compass that guides me and I just have to keep striving to be the best that I can be. I have to take other people into consideration. With boundaries, I have to acknowledge how I touch the people that I come across... Always conscious.

With the help of a friend...
I shifted and recognized my journey in a new light once again.

Our family of origin and the past that we've led creates our filters...
Including the filter in which we function, see ourselves & the world around us.

Guilt, Fear & Shame

I have been talking about releasing guilt since the beginning of my work: since 1988. My motto that I created to help me move through and release the guilt from childhood has served me well, "Guilt Sucks, Let it Go!"

The next stage of the journey was tackling Fear. Fear is a biggy for most of us. The fight and flight response was a go to for me. I would cut and run at the drop of a hat. It didn't take much. I would stand my ground and fight to the death to defend and protect myself. That usually showed up with words which were sharper than any sword. But, if you disappointed me. I would leave. Learning to stand still is not an easy task... I am standing still.

So... the next stage was shown to me. I love Brene Brown and have been referring her since she released her first Tedx video. I just never got the shame thing. I got guilt. I got fear. I could see how shame manifested in others (funny how that works). I was not able to identify shame in my life. Not that I identified with. I was sure it was there... I just couldn't see it.

Then comes the next paradigm shift...
(This is how it works. Solve one thing and the next appears.)

I was able to identify shame in my life: what it is, how it shows up & how it affects me.

When I am told, "You are an extrovert." To me... it means I don't like you, you irritate me and I can only take so much...
There is shame in that...

When my father told me at 12 that I could ONLY go to the Large family reunion if... "I promised not to be myself." (he did not take me... )
There is shame in that...

When I was told by my mother to tone it down because I made my sister feel bad...

There is shame in that...

When I have dated men that ask me to shift when I am happy & I have to turn it off because it's too much energy for them to handle...
There is shame in that...

When I have dated men that ask for the "other" Kimmy to come back, because I can't keep it contained 100% of the time...
There is shame in that...

When my daughter tells me that she can't be around me & that she doesn't want to deal with me crying or ever hear how I feel-- that it is painful to deal with because she is an introvert...

There is shame in that...

What I realize is that All of my issues related to shame are around my extroversion. Extroversion is the way that a person is hard wired. We can learn to adapt and adjust... but, it's brain chemistry. 

When there is criticism... and there has been a lot... I feel shame, my feelings get hurt and then I feel guilt that my energy has had an effect on other people in a negative way. I feel bad. To take it full circle... Fear comes in... I fear that if I show up with all of my power, energy and shine that I will be alone. That people will leave because I will damage them in some way.  How is that for raw & authentic? Yup. Ouch...

In one way I envy the extrovert that is shallow and unaware.
That has got to be an easier place to live.

On a daily basis when I do public speaking, writing, training, etc. I am the biggest champion of Introverts and I yell it from the mountain tops. Introverts haven't spoken up and have been told that they need to be like someone else. I hate that.  

Truth is... I am a champion of people. I love people. I want everyone to be seen and appreciated for who they are and to cut each other some slack. Including Me. Sometimes I just want people to cut me a little slack. 

When you know yourself and your personality style... You can see others more clearly too. When you see others clearly, there is a deeper understanding of where they are coming from and fewer judgments and misunderstanding. When you frame a person with your personal lens instead of seeing them authentically as they show up...  You will never see authentic.

In the same vein... just because I am able to clearly see other people, I should not dim my light to make others feel like they are more. There is a healthy way to be considerate, compassionate and still be me. All of Me. 

I dimmed my light to make others feel more comfortable. I dimmed my light so that my father would love me and allow others to see and love me. I dimmed my light for my mother so that I would not outshine my sister. I dimmed my light for men that I have dated to try to be a better partner. 

I have tried. But, it seems that I cannot dim my light enough for my daughter. She does not want to be around me. No matter what I try. There is shame in that...

It is so funny that the thing that people are drawn to the most, is also the thing that is criticized that most.

I am confident of the future, my plans, my potential and my journey. I invite you to join me as I am... not as you want me to be. I like who I am and I am standing in my own personal power. 

Just because you are feeling bad about yourself... I will not let you shame me. I respect & honor every woman that I hold space for. I expect the same in return. I will not dim my light or allow myself to take on the guilt.  

No More Shame for Who I Am

I honor Me... 
The woman that I have created and built up from scratch. 
I am worthy.

I invite you to do the same.  Once we honor ourselves and each other, life is beautiful.

Kimberly Reyes
Pathfinder, Lifestyle Curator, Super Connector, Master Networker, Author & Speaker

Helping you design a life connected to your true North

Friday, May 23, 2014

Food for thought: How Are You Showing Up?

Food for thought:    How Are You Showing Up?

I teach clients how to create a lasting and powerful network. Part of that is really looking at how you show up and how you make the person "standing" in front of you feel. Are you being the Host/Hostess or your own space(TM)? Do you make that person feel like they are important?

It goes beyond meeting someone on the phone or in a room at a networking event.

What happens after your initial Meeting?

Time is the biggest gift that I can give anyone. I have so many moving parts in my business. If I schedule time for you... I am showing you that I value you enough to make time for you in my life AND in my business.

When I say that I will meet you. I do. I have driven back from Los Angles to make an appointment. I drove back from a funeral in Sacramento to meet with another busy industry leader... I made a midweek appointment with a leading woman entrepreneur even though I had 3 speaking engagements in 3 different cities this week.

We are all important. Each person that I schedule is important. I am important. I do everything that I can to accommodate people... So that both of our schedules can coordinate. We are all busy.

When you change times with me, reschedule, and then not follow through it sends a very clear message.  Life happens and things come up. BUT, when you reschedule with me because your appointment after mine cancelled and you don't want to make the drive to just meet with me....  You are sending a very clear message about how much you respect or value me, my business and my time.

This happened to me 3 times in the last 4 years. Two of the 3 have since come back and have asked me to help them with their business and have asked me for favors...

So, I ask you? How are you showing up in your life and in your business? Authentic? Consistent? In integrity? How do you look in public and in your private transactions? Are they consistent?

If you are planning on moving through this business community for years to come... Remember that how you show up today is how people will remember you tomorrow. It's not always about what you do... It's about how you make people feel.

Be gracious, Be consistent... Authentically want the best for yourself & Others... Be charming so that people know who they are dealing with every time you show up. It will help you build an empire!

With Gratitude,
Kimberly Reyes
Pathfinder, Lifestyle Curator, Master Networker, Author & Speaker

Helping you design a life connected to your true North

Thursday, May 22, 2014

Women Leaders... This is for You!

Are you creating cheerleaders that are your peers? 


Are you only interested in gathering cheerleaders that are followers?

Kimberly Reyes has created the community where you can have both! You need both to rise! 

It has been in the works for years. It is all done with intention and every tiny detail is planned and deliberate... The beauty is that it is so organic... the community is enveloped in a safe harbor and never know the mechanics that creates the magic. Beautiful to see & experience...

What is the difference?

A community of peers that cheer lead for you know where you are, how you feel & can identify with the journey that you are on. They know how to help you, support you and authentically want to see you succeed. There is no need for competition. This is a community of We's: egos are left at the door. 
Everyone has the opportunity to rise together as one.

Have you create a community of cheerleaders that follow you and support you? 
Bravo! Good Work! You are an Influencer
Now what? 
  • Who do you call when you fell insecure or have a bad day?
  • Who shows up for you when you have had an off the charts day and you want to share your successes?
  • Who has your back & can give you authentic feedback?
  • Who has been on the journey for a while, can share vetted resources, trusted partners and just get's it?
  • Where do you find a community of peers to create deep authentic relationships, people that you can trust and rely on? 
Followers Can't...
  • You can't tell your followers when you are having a bad day. It changes their opinion of you & hurts your brand.
  • You can't brag to your followers.... it leaves a bad taste in their mouths and dilutes your influence.
  • You can't count on your followers to have your back: some will & some won't... but, rarely will you get trusted feedback. People are afraid to be isolated by the influencer.
  • You cannot get consistently trusted referrals for resources from Newbies. They just don't have enough time in the game.
  • Where do you find a community of your peers to create deep authentic relationships, with people that you can trust & rely on???? Kimberly Reyes Energy Summit Community

Without both... It is just all about being a ME...

As we rise… We need both. 
Kimberly Reyes has created a unique community to help provide you with BOTH!

It is impossible to Make and sustain the rise Alone!
We all need the support of community!

is a Safe harbor where Givers come together and are Creating Magic!

This unique community has been a game changer for all involved & the outcome between the connections and collaborations have been exponential!

 At your level... You need to look outside of your community to find your tribe. Kimberly is hand selecting women from across the country and matching them with the "right fit" ... Kimberly Reyes is setting everyone up for Success!

" The strength of Community doesn't need to be
bound by geography...
the strength
of Community
to be bound by hearts"
~ Kimberly Reyes 

We are all rising Together as One!

You are cordially invited to join Us

In the spirit of being authentic & open... As a leader & Influencer... It's exhausting & lonely to keep it all going without a community of equal peers to have your back. 

My community has my back. We will have your's too... 



Helping you design a life connected to your true North

Saturday, May 10, 2014

Vulnerability & Fear... The Gift.... An Open Letter to the Women in My Life...

Food for thought....
As we convene together in the Kimberly Reyes Lifestyle by Design Community and the Journey continues... 

To truly be vulnerable, open and going the extra mile on that journey takes something BIG and POWERFUL. We are on this journey together... but we all join it from a different place. What is easy for one may be difficult for the other and vice versa. When you are conscious of that, it allows you to receive the other person from where they stand, instead of projecting onto them. You truly gain the ability to see them without judgement.... Just from a place of love.

Why do we stay closed off and have such a difficult time being 
open and vulnerable? 
It's because we are afraid that we will be 
judged and that people will turn their backs on us and leave 
when they see the real us.

publicly offer my letter to her, that may have been private, as food for thought for the entire community. I am speaking for myself now. But, I encourage you all to think about what this means. What it would mean to you and what it looks like to offer it to someone else... to authentically embrace the words and deliver them from your heart. 

I have been gifted this message twice in my life from close friends and probably would have never been able to move into vulnerability and sharing without that security. 
Read the message below to my friend and one of my alliance partners. Is this missing in your life? .... What would it look like to sit and receive 

Dear Friend,

As my friend, You are safe. You are INVITED to show up as you are... authentic, vulnerable, open and exposed. The good, the bad and the ugly... cause it's not always pretty for any of us. Once I invite you into my inner circle... and friend... I have... I will not leave you. That is my word to you.
I respect you. I will not judge you. I will keep your words in confidence. It is a true gift of friendship when you allow yourself to be vulnerable, authentic and show your soft underbelly....
You are invited to show up how ever your heart tells you to. You do not need to be afraid....


Sent from my heart to yours with love,

Kimberly Reyes is DETERMINED to change the way that Women Network and Collaborate together! One Woman, One Event, One Network, One Community at a time! If you want a safe place where peers that are hand selected to support you, who are truly creating community to see the other successful, and are all rising to the top together as ONE…Join Us... 

Find Out More...Kimberly Reyes  Lifestyle by Design Energy Summit Community

Kimberly Reyes
Pathfinder, Lifestyle Curator, Master Networker, Author & Speaker

Helping you design a life connected to your true North