Saturday, June 28, 2014

Are you caught up in chaos & being the Victim in your relationships?


When people say that they don't want chaos in relationships, but they always seem to end up there... What role are they playing 
AND 
What role are they forcing other people to play to fulfill their script?


Are you caught up in chaos & being the Victim in your relationships? 
I've done it... I think we all have. 
I encourage you to look at your relationships and break 
the old patterns that aren't serving you anymore.

I am not just talking about Love relationships... Patterns are carried over into all of our relationships and maybe... this is what is keeping Us from truly moving forward personally and professionally?

Clients have called me the Clarity Coach

Whether we know it or not, most of us react to life as victims. Whenever we refuse to take responsibility for ourselves, we are unconsciously choosing to react as victim. This inevitably creates feelings of anger, fear, guilt or inadequacy and leaves us feeling betrayed, or taken advantage of by others.

Sometimes this shows up as self sabotage. When someone safe shows up for the victim... Instead of taking responsibility for their actions... the victim may lash out at the safe person for their own feelings of inadequacy. Making that person the villain - perpetrator. Other victims may gather around to support and keep the victim standing right where they are. 
It's all comfortable chaos.

There is a psychological and social model that was drawn out in 1968 by Stephen Karpman, in his article "Fairy Tales and Script Drama Analysis"  It is sometimes called the victim triangle and sometimes the drama triangle. (thank you to Richelle Jarrell for having this important conversation with me.)
The model outlines three roles that people tend to take in this type of social interaction:

  1. Victim - The person who plays the role of a victim
  2. Perpetrator - The person who pressures, coerces or persecutes the victim, and
  3. Rescuer - The rescuer, who intervenes, seemingly out of a desire to help the situation or the underdog.

For those that participate in this model, we all have a go to role. Mine has been Rescuer and today... Truth Teller. I know better and have fallen into this pattern with people lately. I have done it to stand in the space with them because I love them. I want them to just be and to support them on their journey. I have not gotten drawn into the chaos. I have however allowed people to claim the role of victim without calling them on it. That is just as bad... That is not being of service to them... and I know that it is not standing in my personal power. 

 And now that I have refused to show up as the rescuer... I have been labelled the perpetrator. When you function in this paradigm you are playing one of the 3 roles. Which role have you taken up and what role are you requiring the people that care about you play to make you feel comfortable? 

 When you put me in the role as rescuer... that is not me. I am not here to rescue anyone. I cannot save anyone. I can support them, Encourage them and be there as a teacher. I can be the safe place to land. I cannot save you... particularly from yourself. If you show up and sabotage that... You have created the dynamic and set me... up to fail. That is sabotaging both of us.

Honestly... When I stand in the role of rescuer... I am being the victim and the perpetrator to myself. I forgive ME--- for being so hard on myself, trying to save people that don't need to be saved, for allowing others to choose my path instead of walking my own healthy path... and for abusing myself in the process.

In the past... no one had to be hard on me. I was the hardest on myself. With the help of Richelle Jarell... I am letting that go <3 The most important loving relationship that I want in my life is with myself. I love me and I am the woman that I want to be.

 Do you create chaos... blame the other and then cut & run? That is sabotage. Healthy is standing in the place where the healing begins.

 There are many damaged souls. We are all on a journey. We ALL have the ability to shift paradigms, See ourselves authentically and move to a higher state of consciousness. Do you want to stay the victim or do you want to heal that pattern and move to a healthier state of being connected in relationships. You do not have to stay there. It is essential to see it, so that you can shift out of it. Being the victim is the truly the purest form of being a Me... Creating the chaos of an us against them mentality.... 


 My Boundaries and a personal message to a few or many--- in the past, present and future: 
Relationships are complex. When I allow you to be fully you and express yourself... it does not give you permission to use me as an emotional punching bag. I am not here to take the wrath for every extrovert that you have ever come in contact with. I am not your mother, partner or the school yard bully. 

 I am me all of the time: solid, consistent, kind and loving. I am not perfect. I have never asked you to be perfect. However, I don't Ever make you responsible for my healing, pain or journey. I have offered you love and support and asked for the same in return. 

 I have never asked you to take on the role of victim, perpetrator or rescuer in my life and I have never offered to be any of those for you.

I love & believe in you. Nothing has changed- nothing ever does. It doesn't matter what happens in the chaotic world. My feelings don't change about people. They are not easy to gain and they are not apt to fade....
If you have the capacity to show up in a relationship that allows each other to be ourselves, move forward on our exploration of life and relationships in a healthy way without damaging the other... then I invite you into my circle. 

 I am not responsible for your actions.  I will however be there to love you, help you up & to walk together side by side. No guilt. No blame. I own my stuff and you take responsibility for yours. I am not willing to carry it for you or save you from yourself. I will be there to support you as you work through it... There is a difference.




I am standing fully in my personal power. 
I am me. I love me. I am loving me.... 
I invite you to do the same. 

What does this model look like in your life? 

KIMBERLY REYES
PATHFINDER, LIFESTYLE CURATOR, SUPER CONNECTOR, MASTER NETWORKER, AUTHOR & SPEAKER
FOUNDER/PRINCIPAL 

Helping you design a life connected to your true North

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