Blog GPS: Designing the Love I Want

Before I left my marriage of fourteen years, I fully analysed and contemplated what I wanted my life and relationships to look like. I made a list of everything that I wanted in a man and what I wanted my life together with that man to look like. I compared that list to my husband, and what I found out was that the two men were not the same person. However, I am not a quitter and I made a commitment. I never want to set anyone up to fail. I basically gave him five years notice, that I wasn't happy and laid out what I needed in the relationship to be happy.

I needed an emotionally intimate relationship: Period.... I would not settle for less. He agreed to go to counseling, but in the end could not grasp what emotional intimacy meant. I knew that he loved me. I knew that he was faithful. I was grateful for those factors... But, I needed something more fulfilling. It was excruciatingly hard. I left my marriage.

Once I left my husband, the next four months turned out to be the nightmare that can't be imagined - much less explained. It has been said that you should never have more than any one major life changing event every six years... Mine all happened in less than six months: I got divorced, lost my home, got fired from my job, moved cities and lost both grandparents within months of each other... Not to mention the friends and family that I lost when I left my husband AND the majorly pissed off teenager that I had living with me....

So... the journey begins... that was almost four years ago... It has been four years of dating and trying to hold true to the expectations about finding that emotionally intimate relationship that I so longed for during my marriage; not settling for less, just to keep from being lonely. There is no other pain like true loneliness and I understand why people give into it. Sitting in that space is physically painful. I was also keeping up the Journey and working on myself along the way. What makes me tick and what was keeping me from the connection that I wanted???

 Which brings me to the present...

Today I am sitting staring at the unconditional love that I have been seeking. I set out to find the love that I wanted and I refused to settle for less...

The person that I am dating is the second person that I dated after my separation from my husband. Bob and I have dated off and on... mostly off.. for the last 3 1/2 years. We have stayed in contact as friends. Tried several times to get back together, but it just wasn't quite what I  wanted or needed.  I refused to settle for less.

I never told Bob exactly what I wanted or needed. I didn't want anyone to fabricate something just to catch me. There is no way to keep that up. It has to be natural.

You need to understand Bob to get a clear picture. He is a strong, successful business man. He has always treated me like a lady. He made me feel special. I always knew that he cared deeply for me. He has a huge heart. The man has raised two amazing children alone from the ages of 10 and 12. He has been a leader in his community and church. He is there for his friends and family: reliable and caring, an amazing and documented mentor. The problem is that he never showed me his soft side: always protector and strong advocate... never vulnerable or deeply intimate. Masculine to his core. I was attracted to the over all package, but I knew I needed more.

It takes a strong man to stand beside me. It would take an even stronger man to show me his underbelly... That takes incredible courage. Those who know me know that I can lead or follow... I cannot be told what to do... or follow all of the time. I prefer a partnership... That too was hard for such a strong leader. The strength that he was attracted to, was also an issue for us. I refused to change me...

In April, Bob asked to meet for dinner and I did. He asked me to get back together and I told him that we weren't together for very specific reasons. I gently laid out the reasons and although I cared about him, that was not the life that I wanted. As I watched him, I saw the light go on. He got it. He totally got it. It was a complete shift in energy and appearance. I knew that he got it. He apologized immensely for not getting it before now and after a bit more time we hugged and parted.


Two weeks later Bob asked to see me. Reluctantly I agreed...

The gift that has been handed to me...

Bob showed up with his heart in his hands. He not only showed up completely vulnerable... he stood in what must have been the most uncomfortable position, offering his heart to me, because I was not in the space to just let him in. He stood in that space completely exposed and did not retreat. He told me that he loved me from day one and wanted to be with me. "You have always been the one that got away", he said.  He was completely in and wanted to be with me. He swallowed his pride and just waited for me to meet him
half way. He has gifted me on a daily basis with complete unconditional love. The depth of his love and commitment is amazing to see and feel. He has exposed his soft underbelly in a big way. It takes the strongest of men to stand in that space for a woman. He is the only man that has ever offered that to me. He trusted and continues to trust me with his heart, secrets and deepest desires. He does not want to change me. He loves me just as I am...

Many have inquired about who I am dating. I wanted to wait for a bit to share. I don't know what the future holds... I will share more of my thoughts and experiences along my Journey...

I held true to self and am proud of that. I had certain expectations. I am proud of that. I don't expect perfection, but I know what I need to feed my heart and soul. I am proud of that. I do believe that we set the tone for our long term relationships by accepting certain behaviors in the beginning. I also believe that once those are cemented and reinforced that it is almost impossible to change. I never wanted to change anyone. I just wanted the relationship that showed up to be right as it was. Everything takes work. I don't mean it like that... Some things are just deal breakers. A certain level of emotional intimacy was my deal breaker.

Bob came back and handed me one of the biggest gifts of my life... true emotional intimacy.




Kimberly R Lifestyle by Design 
Designing a life with grace and ease 

I have decided to add an additional page to my blog for those of you that may want to catch up on my journey. Relationship and self have been the biggest facets by far. Earlier posts were requested and I wasn't sure how to add them to my blog without confusion and mixing up my rhythm. I am converting those posts and will have them up this weekend at the latest... in a separate tab on my blog site.