Friday was a full day of connecting and accomplishment. My heart was full and the long day was good. I waited for my boyfriend at the end of the day. We had dinner and I listened to his story about his day and work. I shared mine...
Friday is a day for a fire, glass of wine and maybe a movie. A cuddle on the couch and just the opportunity to unwind from the week. After dinner we started with a movie. One thing led to another and a pretty heated chain of events persisted. The arguments are ugly; each holding our ground and knowing that we are right. Nothing pretty and I am not proud: just human.
He left my house, possessions in hand and my house keys on the table. Door left agape and silence in his wake...
I didn't sleep a wink. The next morning was full of heated texts and then lengthy, exhausting phone conversations. He was demanding and pleading to be heard and to be seen. Not in those words, just an interpretation. The conversation went in waves... high highs and low lows. We ended it in tired resignation. Not the end... but, not fixed or complete.
Hours later, sitting in silence, the light went on. I winced with the realization that it was me. He isn't perfect and his personal relationship communication skills are lacking. But, the fact remains that as fixed as I think that I am... the crux of this issue was mine. Just me. He tried to dance the dance and fix the situation. The harder he tried to more absolute in my position I became.
The fact is, that as women, we sometimes try so hard to be treated fairly and equally that we loose sight of the players in the game. At times I am so indignant about being treated right and fairly that the smallest offense can be a trigger. Ah... My Baggage. Was he unthoughtful? Yes. Not thoughtless. Just not as considerate as I am. Not everyone is me. Not everyone moves through life like me and that's okay. Once the irritant had set in I was on my way and everything irritated me. Something that should have been small, was now enormous. Truth must be told, that if a girlfriend had done the same thing, I wouldn't have thought about it twice. I would have commented. Period. Nothing further.
What occurred Friday was not right or fair. I am stubborn and let's face it... (as my best friend likes to point out...) I like to get my way in romantic relationships. True: I am pretty happy when I am getting my way. That probably won't change completely. But, my survival technique that has served me for years, making sure that I am treated fairly, may not be serving me in my romantic relationship... If it isn't serving me, I need to let it go or find out what is working.
Perfection doesn't exist with either of us. He has a history and a journey as well.
Baggage or damage? I am not sure at this point... maybe a little of both. Some is mine and some is his.
It's all a part of this journey within. It is painful and ugly to acknowledge that the fault lies within... It Sucks! Moving forward. We haven't fixed it or mended. Taking a few days apart to re-assess where we are... He honestly didn't want to see me when I asked to apologize... He continues to text to let me know that he is thinking of me...
Side note: Bob doesn't read my blog. I have read him 2... after they were posted. But, he doesn't read them. This isn't written and will not be written for him or anyone else. It is just me sharing from my heart with openness and authenticity. I know who I want to be and how I want to treat people. I strive to be that person everyday.Kimberly R Lifestyle by Design
Designing a life with grace and ease
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