I have had so many people reaching out, asking about the man that I have been dating... so here it is...
As I do... I sit in reflection and found the positives and analyzed the situation.
He gave me a gift. He showed up and showed me a love like I had not seen before. There is no doubt in my mind that he loves me deeply.To the depths of his being...
He showed me everything that I wanted and more. He was completely vulnerable and open and giving. I received it with grace and ease. I nurtured the gift and appreciated it beyond measure. He walked the long mile for me without ego and without expectation. It was beautiful, emotional and raw: a treasure. I appreciate and feel the depth of that gift and his love.
Here is the problem. As much as he wants me and wants that amazing love, connection and relationship. He could not sustain where we stood. He wanted to be open, but could not live in that space and he reverted back to what he has known his whole life. He is a strong, powerful, masculine, business man. It has served him well in many areas of his life. It does not serve him well in his intimate love relationships. His discomfort at standing in a soft spot made him so uncomfortable that he was lashing out at me and honestly... making me miserable.
A couple ex-boyfriends that know me well, questioned my interactions and I looked at what part of this was mine, and like my last blog on the issue talked about... I was owning what was mine. But honestly, even that was a reaction to his overbearing and inconsistent behavior. A much as I wanted to take ownership and make it about me... I can fix it is it's me... That is not my stuff. I sat in it and nurtured it for months. This started in February or early March. I was not reactionary, cold, harsh or judgmental. I stood still and tried to let him work through his discomfort.
In public I am positive and take ownership of some things that I probably should not. I never like to talk negatively about people, particularly the men that I date. I'm not complainy... It's not always pretty though. Relationships take work. People are not perfect. I don't judge that. I don't share it either. So, I end up looking a little colder and harsher than is reality. That's okay. But.... You never know what goes on behind closed doors.
It went back to the same old pattern as the previous times that we were together. It ended the same exact way that it has every time before.... Only this time I was calm and at peace. I know that it is the right thing.
I want more and am not willing to settle for less at this time in my life. I never should have before, but I did. Lesson Learned! Loud and Clear! I will not allow myself to make it again....
I am ready for the gift that he gave me. I have done the work. He is not ready and has not done the work. He tried and I know that it takes a very strong man to stand in that space. I honor and respect him for that. I am blessed to know that he loves, respects, trusts and admires me that deeply. But, he is not ready for me.
What I know.... I now know that the right man is headed to me and is in my near future. As my friend said to me yesterday, "There is no need to keep shaking the trees to see who falls out". I am calm and confident in my heart that I will run across the man that I am meant to be with. I am certain. I know that is why I am so calm and at peace with this end. I did not run out and start dating to massage my ego and make myself feel better. I have no desire to go on a bunch of dates. I know that I will be blissfully happy and meet the "one". It is already in the cards. I have done the work. I will meet the man that is simpatico shortly. It will happen. It is meant to be. I am confident. I am open. I am ready.
Here are a few links if you want to catch up:
Blog GPS: Designing My Most Important Relationship
It's not always pretty... But, it's my journey... I do believe that we can Design the Relationships that we want...
Thanks for the love and support,Kimberly R Lifestyle by Design
Designing a life with grace and ease
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