Here is what I posted on Facebook that sent everyone into a frenzy...
More on my personal journey and dating GPS blog next week... I always said that it would never be me... How did I get entwined with a married man... Now what? If it could happen to me... It could happen to anyone... Read more about it on Tuesday...
I definitely hit some raw nerves... Some of the people that showed up with Major Judgement surprised me. 3 people unfriended me: a gift. One I had to tell that I did not want her in my life anymore, after she verbally attacked me, my character... and more. It was abusive and brutal. Funny the condemnation was about me personally and had very little to do with the actual topic... and I never even stated what happened...
there were lots of judgments and assumptions.
there were lots of judgments and assumptions.
Which only makes me know that I am talking about the right topics....
The beautiful thing that came out of it - as is with all of my vulnerable, personal posts is that women come to me in droves and express themselves and share their experiences - many times about things that they have never been able to talk about before. They are given a voice and allowed to share without judgement. That is my goal and it is working. I will continue to talk about the things that no one else will... That is part of my journey.
Again. This is my journey and my experience. It has no reflection on anyone but me....
So this what happened....
I rent out my spare room sometimes. He rented my room because he is working in the city. It was casual and business like. We exchanged conversations. I asked him if he was married and about his kids. He said that he had been divorced for 13 years... There was no intent to date. No reason to lie.... Separate rooms. We ended up spending lots of time together and he was there for me while my sister was having her health scare. I have NEVER had a man be kinder and more caring to me: PERIOD. We laughed constantly and he lit up when he was around me. We connected.
My friends met him and loved him. They thought he was "the one." They have not liked any of the others....
I met his brother... still no clue. I went to his jobsite...
I refuse to move through life cynical and not trusting people... BUT, I asked all of the right questions and had my eyes open. I was his friend on facebook. No hiding...
We were getting closer and closer... and then I accidentally found out. The look in his eyes was not an oh shit... it was an oh my God I am hurting you look. I know that he cares about me and I care about him. We have a great connection and tons in common... But, in the end he lied to me. Earlier I had expressed what I wanted in a relationship, when his reality came out, it became quite clear that he could not offer that to me. He had nothing to offer me. He told me that he would leave his wife and asked if I would still see him.. My hope is that he does leave... for himself - not me. I ended it as soon as I found out. It was hard. I miss him. It was the only thing for me to do. I never considered any other option.
I know tons of couples that live in the same house and have no relationship. My parents were one. I have seen it up close and personal. It's sad and people should be happy not miserable. People stay together for different reasons; which are rarely the one's that they state. We never know what goes on behind closed doors... Sometimes miserable is comfortable because it is familiar. You have to seek happy and not settle for comfortable. That is their dance and their journey. To me, it is never fair to bring anyone else into that without full knowledge of the dynamics.
If he hadn't of lied and had told me about his situation. We would probably be sitting in a different place... I am not sure...
I saw his intense love for his kids and grandson. I know how important they are to him. To me... you make a choice. Stay with the wife and that is that. Leave and have a new relationship: not both. It's not fair to either woman. All of the other stuff: kids, houses, shared resources work themselves out. It's the primary relationships that need to be dealt with - not ignored.
I know men that "stay for the children" and cheat on their wives. That will never be okay to me. Selfishness is ugly.... I have no desire to be involved with that... and find it astounding that I found myself in that position.
I believe him about his relationship. I am super intuitive and if he was connected to her... I would have felt it. It doesn't matter and I told him so. It is not my stuff and he needs to leave for himself and I cannot be any part of that. I will not be involved in any chaos. I deserve to be with someone that is fully ready and available to be with only me.
I do believe that he regretted lying once we connected. Then what do you do? How do you fix it?
A couple of my friends want to see his head on a platter. Not me. I don't think he is an awful person. I think he was selfish and thoughtless in some ways. He is on his journey and has not taken the steps to move forward. He is stuck and that is sad for him. My positive take away is that I got to experience a man being completely giving to me in the moment. During our brief time together, It was all about me. I have never had any man be so kind. That is a gift for me to take forward. It's not enough to make me stay. I want that and more.
I am a lucky woman that I did not get drawn in any more. I personally don't give in any relationship for a while. Once I give it bonds me deeply... it's a gift that I have to give and it doesn't come easily. I withheld that... which protected me in the long run. The scary thing for me is that I was just about to give him more of myself and then I would have been involved much deeper... I know other women are not that lucky. It's hard to get out once you are bonded. For me it was fairly short... I found out early and he did not try to hide it.... others are not that lucky.
If this could happen to me... It can happen to anyone. It is complex.... That is authentic.
Okay reality check. Why did this happen to me and why did it come into my life? I am more about the take-away and how I am going to grow and move forward than I am about the actual experience... More in my Journey BLOG on Friday....
What's My Take Away from ALL of This Blog....
Designing a life with grace and ease
It takes time to really know a person, their talk and their walk... to find out if you connect or not.
ReplyDelete:-) Connections happen at different levels. I definitely had that first level of a connection. It was not a truly emotionally intimate connection. That takes time, vulnerability and a safe place to land. I did not have those things... It was not easy to tell him to go away. I enjoyed his company. It's complex.... but, it doesn't mean that we didn't have a connection....
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